i feel spring fast approaching
the icy rain whips at my skin while the
Winds sing their songs
of remorse, regret, and remembrance.
life seemed forever stationary in the snows
of a harsh winter’s beginning, but here the tundra
liquefies, slowly heating,
radiating Hope for tomorrow.
while the polar existence asunder is cast
my Pace must zeal lack and listless become
--for the one without patience
makes mistakes and extinguishes plausibility.
the feelings…a haunting beckoning for me to reunite.
the feelings…a long lost friend whose presence has been yearned for everlong.
the feelings…a reminder of the memories of joy.
the feelings…a landslide of despair and lost love.
the feelings…a hope to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
the feelings…simplicity to believe in life again.
the feelings…my hopes, slowly regaining strength.
the feelings…my dreams, gently brushing my thoughts again.
the feelings…my life, returning to me?
Good night world.
Finally, I’m honest with those who I need to be honest with.
Simplicity? Have I been reunited with thee?
I believe I have.
Satisfied,
Adagio
“The year was 1941, I was eight years old and far, far too young.”
Usually, I am content. But, sometimes I wonder; wander, rather. My days are spent contemplating the way my life could have been. While reminiscing about my childhood, I remember seeing a show that brought a paradox into my world. If our world is already preordained, then how is it possible for us to make our own choices? The show brought up the theory of two realties for each decision in our lives. If you chose one way, your path changed in accordance, and vice versa. Perhaps I’m too mathematically minded; 3 + 3 always equals 6 to me. Clearly, there are people who will find a way to make the previous equation equal 4 or 7…unfortunately, I typically can only see life in this way.
Further, my family lives so oppositely from the way I’ve been told to live; (that may be an exaggeration, but it surely seems that way.) So, where am I left to go? Am I but a wandering child? I’ve mentioned before that I detest their habits, but it would be so much more to show them what it feels like to me. Having to lie about everything in order to keep the family away from question; pretending that I have this blissful, fairytale life. It isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to cover for their idiotic mistakes and choices. But, for some reason I still do. I need to break out and be free. Aggression and revenge have sowed their seeds deep within me and it is beyond time for those seeds to flower. A rebellious life…what more can I do alone? Searching for way to show them the pain I’ve endured, I come up short too often. No longer.
determined,
-adagio-
Ever get the feeling you belong to a different time—feel that you just don’t belong?
Today was a very forward testament to this personally.
Physically, I look older and as a result, I’m just expected to “act my age” or rather “act my appearance”. It’s for this reason that I feel I am more mature than most of my peers. And quite frankly, I feel I should be older. Why does the future entice us so? As a child, we cannot wait to grow old, however, I cannot help but worry that I am trying to force my childhood away in exchange for the few joys of being a little older.
Not only do I feel I belong to another time, but to another…well world. Don’t think me insane, but it’s so impossible to believe that this world is all that this world is to offer. It just seems that there should be more to this life. But, I don’t deserve anything more.
I’m a good guy who’s done bad things.
seeking,
-adagio-
“--When you love someone, but it goes to waste. What could be worse?”
-“Fix You” by Coldplay
disenchanted,
-adagio-
Recently, a friend of mine lent me CD that had a song called “Life is Beautiful” by Vega4. I loved the title so much, I’ve not actually heard consciously any of the other lyrics, but I felt like I wanted to create something with that title within it; I began to write a letter to an ‘anonymous’. Long story short, I thought the letter was pretty interesting, and I also took some pictures of the letter, where the words “Life is beautiful” exist in a bold cap, and the rest is faded out, but I thought it would be a good idea to share the photo and the letter in this post. Enjoy!
“
September 15, 2009
Dearest Friend,
I can’t really express this the way I want to, so I’m going to do the very best I can. It isn’t that I don’t understand; I’m not an idiot, but I can’t comprehend how you could possibly allow this to happen. Further, each time I see you anymore, you’ve donned a terrible frown that says, “Life couldn’t get any worse!” when you quite honestly don’t realize that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! There is absolutely nothing you can do to convince me otherwise. To others it might not matter, but they don’t know you like I remember you; a smile never escaped your beautiful face, but now it seems you’ve completely forgotten where your smile resides. Sure, you have your good moments (seldom), don’t we all? Presently, however, you don’t smile at anything but humor. What happened to the days when the face of a friend was enough to make you smile? Open your eyes! Take a look at the blessings filling your life; you sit with your eyes clamped tightly at the things you don’t wish to see, just like an infant. Please, consider all that was said. I’ll be seeing you soon, I’m sure.
Sincerely always,
A Friend”
This might be one of the truest quotes I’ve heard in a while.
After you’ve given your all, and still you lack any of the progress you wished for, what else is there to do? After exhausting everything at your disposal while you still see no changes, what else is there to do?
“When there’s nothing left to burn, You have to set yourself on fire.”
-Stars, Set Yourself on Firedistraught,
adagio
Is it a wasted effort? To pursue this ancient relationship seems so silly, but more than AMAZINGLY right. Why can’t life just be simple?
Simplicity.
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!
Crossroads,
adagio
Ever notice how easily one can turn back to something no matter the pain, suffering, or danger that accompanies it?
“I wish I had a river, I could skate away on…”
-Sarah McLachlan
It’s odd. I feel like I’m chasing after something I don’t need. But, need isn’t really my purpose. It’s a desire. I don’t even know what is so appealing about it anymore. It seems like no matter what she does, I still want to come back to her. I want to be at her side, helping, assisting in any way that I possibly can. I care for her so very much, but I don’t get the vibe back from her, clearly.
“…But, I still love you more than anyone else could.”
-Snow Patrol
Every single one of my senses is telling me no; however, my heart – my heart is telling me otherwise. Do I trust my heart to lead me back to the potentially dangerous situation? The situation that is relatively unimportant in comparison to others in the long run, but something about it is…it’s just impossible to ignore.
-adagio-
Throughout the course of school today, the only thoughts that crossed my mind was, “I’m going to see her today. I’m gonna tell her exactly what I feel…and then I’m gonna kiss her.”
Who is she?
She’s my ex-girlfriend. I don’t believe I will ever truly will escape my love for her. I believe she is my first love and the odds of that dying are extremely slim. (long story short, haha)
Directly after I had piano lessons I went to her house (it’s in very close proximity to my piano teacher’s house). As I approached, I saw her mom (who has always liked me) mowing the yard. I got to the driveway before she saw me, and as soon as she did see me she stopped mowing immediately and came over and gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. HOW REFRESHING! It’s kind of difficult to explain how incredible it feels to have a parent of the girl that you are considering dating to hug you and appreciate you after months of being disliked by the parents of a previous, forbidden love. I can’t really describe what it felt like. I went inside and watched TV with the girl for like an hour, and just talked and we had some ice cream. It was really neat. Just talking. How I had missed it. Anyways, I didn’t really follow my plan. But, it doesn’t really matter. It was a good day.
-adagio-
School can be so tiring, but at the same time it can be the most fun in the world. I’m absolutely exhausted and we’re not even a two weeks into school…
Back to the ‘girlfriend’ thing: she says I misunderstood. And I really still don’t think I did…she told me later that I missed the very crucial point that we might date someday, but not anytime soon. But, like a week after her ‘explanation’, after the first week of school, she made it very important that I know I don’t have to wait for her, but honestly it sounded like she wants me to date someone else. And, truthfully, there is a girl who seems to be interested in me, and she is a very cool person and I love her family; well, I love how much her family reminds me of my own. I’m definitely going to give it time…I’ll be going over to her house like the third week of this month so her mom can take photos of me and a some others, which is pretty cool in and of itself! :D And I’m going to her birthday party in early September. Maybe this will take off a little better.
"Other bands, it's about sex. Or pain. Or some fantasy. But The Beatles, they knew what they were doing. You know the reason The Beatles made it so big? 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. Absolutely brilliant. Perhaps the most brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24-7 hot sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding…
The Beatles had it right, I wanna hold your hand.”
-NICK AND NORA’S INFINITE PLAYLIST
Until next time,
-adagio-
